i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
