I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
