I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
