Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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