You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
