Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
