Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
