If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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