what if every blade of grass was a penis?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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