i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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