sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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