That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
