remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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