Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
