i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Two words: nipple clamps
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