the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
