I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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