i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
