Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
