well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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