We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
