We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
