i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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