wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize