I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
