he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize