i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize