I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
this will be a night to untag.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize