There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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