shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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