You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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