There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
