I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
