That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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