I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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