Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
