a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
