So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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