So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
