"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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