how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
