i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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