I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
