She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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