Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize