Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
