My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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