Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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