This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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