She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
