i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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