I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
