So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
