He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
BRING THE BAGELS
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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