I cannot find my penis.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
