Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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