Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize