What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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